Aside

May the grass be greener on our side

It’s in the plush of the night and a dream stirs me awake and indeed I wake up saying NO GOD. I dream of an invitation to leave my marriage, my husband and its scary. I am thankful I finally say NO GOD. For me it may have been just a dream but for many it may be a real invitation answered to or tempting to answer to and quickly so. For what have we been taught, if its not working, leave and quickly so.

I pray but my body is breaking out in sweat and I cannot sleep coz THIS IS IMPORTANT. SO I pray for marriages, I pray for what I believe makes the heartbeat of God. I pray for THIS because its what I believe.

I especially dedicate to those married and have to live apart for long periods of time due to one reason or another, maybe work, study or other unavoidable reason.

I dedicate this prayer to those who are together but the walls of pain, deceit, doubt and mistrust have made the distance between the two feel like mars and venus, heaven and earth.

May the grass be greener on our side

May our hearts be filled with courage

For you are the God of more

May we in this corrupt generation be unquenchable in our belief of your word

May the fire of our vows burn ever so bright

May we fight for what we saw back then and we what hope to see

May our youth be spent for one another

May this be for posterity, for a testimony and a legacy of your grace

May we see the best in each other

May we build each other up and not tear down

May the fire of your word and promise burn every lingering doubt and dark desire

May we know the adventure that is ours within our marriages

May we ever look to thee for grace

You never said it was going to be easy but you promised to be with us

May we look to you when  we are down and out, when we are old and grey, when we are confused

Remove every deceit from our hearts, give us a heart like yours

May we stand for the long haul

May we fight for our marriages oh God

May we never give up the fight on our knees

May you build for us this house

May we build with the rocks of your faithfulness

May the singles trust that it shall be well with them as they keep faithfulness

May every doubt be quenched by your abundance and presence

For you are the God of more

For you are our ordainer, our source

May our hearts never faint in the journey

May the challenges we face ever make us stronger

May the distance between us only serve to strengthen our passion for each other and our resolve

For you are making our grass greener!

And indeed you are making us flourish in your courts, ever praising thee

MEAT not MILK

Just like the water I left to boil on the stove, am boiling. I want to cook one of his fav meals. Shall I? I am deeply angered by hubby. Uh, you are just 40 days married!! YES. AND. YES. I feel He hurt me this morning and He has refused to apologize he said he was not angry, I confessed I was and I was (in campus, communication & culture taught in a conflict two people can be right at the same time). Its that way and we argued, badly and He says I had an emotional outburst. I did. Did I accept? YES. Then why do I feel hurt? Coz he has not apologized and I feel He should have promptly done that.
Ok, what do I do?
I write a poem; here:
OUR HEARTS, YOUR LIFE
Before You is nothing hidden.
You know our hearts,weak as they are.
You search us and know our thoughts.
You know all, phantom or quandary
Your light is light to the world

You love us unconditionally
You prod us on to grace and power
Gives us right standing before Your righteous throne
Merciful, friend of sinners
Life is in Your name, salvation in Your name

Call it identity, self-concept
You are our God, our father
We the sheep of Your pasture
Our faces You give radiance
Don’t walk that path, Your gentle voice leads
xxx End xxx

I go about my activities, (am job searching and feeling long-waiting, new word but its in my dictionary; this is a story for another time)
and I call him twice. We talk well, sweet though not the usual munchkin smooth.
But I still hurt and I can feel the pain, I can almost touch it.
I relax and settle for a drink out to myself at one of our Diaspora restaurants, its like the house will remind me of the pain. So I mellow and forget. But I cannot stay out forever.
When I come back, I start on chores and tell myself its ok but with each surface I scrub, I slow peel away the mask till I get to where it hurts. I crash and cry, I cry a lot as I mumble. God what shall I do? Don’t you see it hurts and cause honey to call right away and apologize?

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I pray and cry on till I soothe 🙂 and slowly just the way the mask peeled away and it hurt, I feel a reassurance. Simply from our study book this month; HEBREWS
That milk is for immature children but meat is for the mature who have been trained by constant use. I am not saying use or experience of constant hurt but use of the WORD.
Hebrews 5:13 “For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. 14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”
The same God who says everything I like, like I have loved you with an everlasting love and You are mine (yes I am His even if he does not apologize…) also says that we must put away rage along with all malice.
Colossians 3:8 “But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.”
(Note that I write this on my knees, on my cry/pray position.)
Psalm 34:4 “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”

And he is coming and I have not cooked but I know its ok, I do not want to cook bitterly so let me write first and cook sweet. AMEN.
As I finish writing, ready to burn my physical evidence of angers – my scribbled papers – and post this similance though a more sober version, a few desires ooze from my spirit:
1. Lord change me, so that when we argue, I react in a spirit-led way I will not regret feeling guilty and ashamed of my ways coz am Yours. Work in me right now, when we argue and always, give me forbearance and self-control. Make me a reformed Choleric, Meru etc..
2. I refuse to play victim, I will not wait for the apology, I am secure and free so I forgive first, free from the bile, the pain.
3. I promised to love and Cherish SK so I am off to do that.

Ciao,
Yours and yours.

Yours – Christs’
yours – SK
His – Jesus
he/his – SK
All bible quotes from KJV

In His might to honor Him

How come?

 How come when I attempt to act differently I get corrections all around or stares that tell me everything is not all ok? That it’s not business as usual? But it all seems ok for others?

If this is the case, be ye happy and rejoice. You are rightly questioning and need to carefully consider your ways for these reasons among others:

  1. It means your conscience is still alive

The inward witness is spurring you to realize the path you’re on and help you avoid it, Keep the path of instruction – hold onto instruction, do not let it go – guard it for it is your life Proverbs 4:13. Some neglecting these – faith and a good conscience have made a shipwreck of their faith

  1. It reminds you healthy boundaries

I remember about five years ago attending a training course on relationship with boundaries. Societal mores and morals may have weakened and the boundaries pushed away day by day but you have a choice to make. To be the one that makes the difference and hence a light or to be one of the compromising many. Jamie Grace in her song White boots talks of keeping her boots from being dusty. The word urges us to take only ways that are firm            Proverbs 4:12

  1. The spirit of God who lives in you is jealous and would warn you to avert disaster in your life

There is a confidence that comes with self-respect. You know you have no blame – there is a blessing for being blameless. Definitely when the enemy tries to accuse you before the father, you have given him enough ground to overcome as you have weakened your defense. My son, do not take lightly the discipline of the Lord – He is taking you as sons – for which son does not receive discipline from their father – unless he be illegitimate. The proverbs story speaks of how to avoid the path of the adulteress. Let no one lie to you’ the path of downfall is not necessarily a one-day thing, though it can be. More often it’s a slow fade whose speed you may not notice. A crack here and there, then a brick falls off till finally the whole building crumbles. The things the world applauds may look enticing but remember they are just temporal for to be a friend of the world is to be an enemy with God.

Resources to encourage you as you walk or run

Jamie Grace – I am a God-girl

Casting Crowns – Slow Fade

Which way, Poor or Rich?

What separates the rich and the poor

“Mzee sijasucceed bado”. At least he understands my ‘English’. “Loan yangu itachelewa zaidi… basi, he mutters under his breath. This makes me feel guilty and wonder what I could have done differently. Been here trying to help this old mzee access his KRA PIN from their online portal. Thankful for the digitization for the process and I began all excited to sort him out with my “techie-ness”.

Something I expected to take a few minutes has become a big mountain-climb for both of us. For one, he cannot remember his late mother’s last name. So this apparently secure system rejects the details and we struggle back and forth. My experience with other clients too has been to keep chanign the password severally before succeeding. But we did!! Luckily he knows his father’s last name and has all his own details that are needed to register him.

He needs to generate his PIN certificate to access a loan; a product our company offers to the tier banks shun from their loans for lack of security. These are our best as we take them as they are; they simply need to form a group and act as co-guarantors. The micro-finance sector has been ‘chini-ya-maji’ and its time we evaluate the gains and losses brought by it. Yes it’s business – we make profit – but if a mama-mboga whose plea for a loan from a commercial bank may never see light of day is able to rise to a hotelier or a kiosk owner open multiple retail outlets within a reasonable scope of time, then in my assessment it’s worth it.

I am now more convinced of what separates the rich and the poor – INFORMATION, indeed TIMELY, CORRECT INFORMATION. Which is what my MIS 101 class taught me… and good enough am at the point of application; its time to apply what was learnt. The mzee needs his loan to grow his business and we need his details… still.

I ‘wander’ till when? I muse but it’s not only musing… I need a solution…. Soon I hope and pray.

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