Just like the water I left to boil on the stove, am boiling. I want to cook one of his fav meals. Shall I? I am deeply angered by hubby. Uh, you are just 40 days married!! YES. AND. YES. I feel He hurt me this morning and He has refused to apologize he said he was not angry, I confessed I was and I was (in campus, communication & culture taught in a conflict two people can be right at the same time). Its that way and we argued, badly and He says I had an emotional outburst. I did. Did I accept? YES. Then why do I feel hurt? Coz he has not apologized and I feel He should have promptly done that.
Ok, what do I do?
I write a poem; here:
OUR HEARTS, YOUR LIFE
Before You is nothing hidden.
You know our hearts,weak as they are.
You search us and know our thoughts.
You know all, phantom or quandary
Your light is light to the world
You love us unconditionally
You prod us on to grace and power
Gives us right standing before Your righteous throne
Merciful, friend of sinners
Life is in Your name, salvation in Your name
Call it identity, self-concept
You are our God, our father
We the sheep of Your pasture
Our faces You give radiance
Don’t walk that path, Your gentle voice leads
xxx End xxx
I go about my activities, (am job searching and feeling long-waiting, new word but its in my dictionary; this is a story for another time)
and I call him twice. We talk well, sweet though not the usual munchkin smooth.
But I still hurt and I can feel the pain, I can almost touch it.
I relax and settle for a drink out to myself at one of our Diaspora restaurants, its like the house will remind me of the pain. So I mellow and forget. But I cannot stay out forever.
When I come back, I start on chores and tell myself its ok but with each surface I scrub, I slow peel away the mask till I get to where it hurts. I crash and cry, I cry a lot as I mumble. God what shall I do? Don’t you see it hurts and cause honey to call right away and apologize?
I pray and cry on till I soothe 🙂 and slowly just the way the mask peeled away and it hurt, I feel a reassurance. Simply from our study book this month; HEBREWS
That milk is for immature children but meat is for the mature who have been trained by constant use. I am not saying use or experience of constant hurt but use of the WORD.
Hebrews 5:13 “For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. 14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”
The same God who says everything I like, like I have loved you with an everlasting love and You are mine (yes I am His even if he does not apologize…) also says that we must put away rage along with all malice.
Colossians 3:8 “But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.”
(Note that I write this on my knees, on my cry/pray position.)
Psalm 34:4 “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”
And he is coming and I have not cooked but I know its ok, I do not want to cook bitterly so let me write first and cook sweet. AMEN.
As I finish writing, ready to burn my physical evidence of angers – my scribbled papers – and post this similance though a more sober version, a few desires ooze from my spirit:
1. Lord change me, so that when we argue, I react in a spirit-led way I will not regret feeling guilty and ashamed of my ways coz am Yours. Work in me right now, when we argue and always, give me forbearance and self-control. Make me a reformed Choleric, Meru etc..
2. I refuse to play victim, I will not wait for the apology, I am secure and free so I forgive first, free from the bile, the pain.
3. I promised to love and Cherish SK so I am off to do that.
Yours and yours.
Yours – Christs’
yours – SK
His – Jesus
he/his – SK
All bible quotes from KJV
In His might to honor Him